Ten tips to fight back imposter syndrome in academia
I have imposter syndrome.
I have lived with it. I have pained by it. I am learning to fight back.
It prevented me from speaking up with confidence, from taking the initiatives that I wanted, from fighting back immediately when I was stepped on - and I regretted so afterwards, which made me feel even worse.
It still does.
I describe such in the past tense, not because I am over it, but because I have learned to fight against it.
I self-identify as a woman, Asian, Chinese, and people of color. I am a first-generation immigrant, a non-native English speaker, and a scientist who pursues a career in academia. With these identifications, it means resources and opportunities will never come to you. It also means you will often get denied when you ask for it.
Have you ever had this feeling when you receive that “no” answer - self-doubt kicks in instantly asking: am I not good enough?
Well, let me tell you. YOU ARE THE BEST AND YOU DESERVE THE BEST.
Imposter syndrome is real. There is no way to get around it unless we learn how to deal with it. Over the years, I have learned to craft my questions when people do not take me seriously, to push back when things get pushed on me, to make my requests but never take no as an answer, and sometimes, to simply feel comfortable being present in a conference room as the only woman without a white coat. I also learned to seek support and advice from my colleagues and friends who truly care about me.
To fight against imposter syndrome, we need to determine the root where it comes from, identify the consequences, and build means to resolve it.
For me, imposter syndrome stems from five things.
I am a non-native English speaker. My English will never be as good as my peers.
I grew up in China. My culture is completely different from the ones who were born and grew up here in the US. I was educated to avoid conflict, minimize contradictions, stay in the zone, and never ask questions.
I am a first-generation immigrant. No social or financial support exists from my family or relatives - who are all in China and earn much less than me.
I am a first-generation Ph.D. When other kids were busy paving the way towards a career path, “career” does not exist in my family before me.
My personality does not allow me to stand up and engage in conflicts. It is who I am.
As a result, this happened to me.
I have been laughed at in my class while I was TA. It was the second year after I arrived in the US, I was able to communicate with my classmates, so I thought my English was fine, and I needed to teach in order to earn my stipend to support myself. It was a disaster.
I was afraid of raising questions in meetings, classes, conferences. This leads to a direct consequence - I was practically non-existence. The American way to make yourself recognized is to speak up, ask questions, take initiative, and address other people’s questions. With imposter syndrome, I could not bring myself to do it.
My anxiety skies the roof at social events, so I mostly avoided it. However, social events are where you build new connections, establish collaborations, and make new friends. I often blamed my allergy to alcohol that I did not socialize, but in reality, it was the imposter syndrome.
I got spoken over and pushed over, and I just let it happen. I felt angry at myself for not fighting back, but by that time it was too late. This led to emotional stress built over time, and I felt even more scared to speak up or stand up for myself. As a result, I did things I did not want, and lost initiatives that I did want.
I took many round outs to find the path I am currently in. As a Ph.D. graduate, I did not know what to do with my career, I only knew what I did not want to do. It took many years for me to figure things out; I missed many opportunities, including grants and papers, all of which had a timed clock.
I allowed myself to be in collaborations where I was taken advantage of. Whatever I do, I was asked to do more and it was never enough. I was simply earning salaries and awards with other people's names on it while myself as the free labor.
At some point in my life, I made a promise to treat myself better. I decided to keep that promise. Am I now completely over imposter syndrome? Not at all. Am I better than yesterday of me? Oh hell YES!!! I speak at meetings when I want to. I go to social events and laugh with others while drinking my orange juice. I got myself out of abusive collaborations. I build my own team and try to lift others who have been in the same situation as me. I say “no” when I can, and when I cannot, I make sure they know my contribution is important.
Here are ten tips that helped me over the years. Hoping you will find it useful too :)
To speak more confidently, watch English shows, and find someone to speak English every day. Turn the caption on, repeat what the characters say. My favorite ones are House MD, Criminal Minds, Friends, Merlin, Sherlock, Medici, Agents of Sheild, The Good Place, House of Cards, Strange Things. Most BBC and American shows have pretty simple English conversations to follow - start with Merlin, Friends, The Good Place, Strange Things, and move onto others. To practice English with, find your roommate, classmate, colleague, and friend. When I was a student, I sought out other friendly students at conferences and asked them on hiking activities or a visit to the city. When I found my first job, my English got improved quickly because I talked with my clients and colleagues every day. I was fortunate to have met the best colleagues at my first job who did not mind my weird pronunciation of words and helped me improve on a daily basis :)
Be ready to introduce yourself at any moment. Practice a short intro of yourself in advance. I know for most people self-intro comes up intuitively, but not for me. I had to make a few drafts and remember it. The thing is, when you introduce yourself with confidence, nobody is gonna know whether it just comes up naturally or you practiced it a hundred times!
Ask one question every time when you go to meetings. No matter how uncomfortable you are, do it. You just have to do it once, twice, three times …. believe me, you will feel better. I know your anxiety level climbs up the moment when you realize you want to ask a question and it quickly rises to the top when you are inline waiting for your turn to ask the question till the moment you really open your mouth the anxiety skies the roof. but you gotta do it. Just do it.
Bring a friend when you go to social events. This way, you know you are not alone, and it is easier to engage in conversations with two people together, isn’t it? :) When you feel more comfortable talking to people whom you met the first time, start going to those events by yourself, then, make new friends!
Set 5 concrete goals when you go to conferences. Your goal could be, to add a connection on your LinkedIn page, to add a new friend on Twitter, to engage in a conversation with a complete stranger for 5 mins while waiting in line for coffee, to grab a coffee with someone you just met, to ask a question after a talk, or, to go to the poster session and chat with students. You will feel accomplished when you scratch those goals off - it definitely feels good! As time goes, you will feel more comfortable going to conferences and make conversations without setting any goals.
Build a new collaboration every year. Academic collaborations are more than friendships. It is built on expertise and resources where you have something unique to bring to the table. To seek out new collaborations, introduce what you can bring, find out mutual interests that benefit both you and your collaborators, set expectations. Keep in mind that a collaborator who is honest, friendly, responsive, open-minded, and gives you constructive feedback on your work is much more important than big names. As you build more collaborations, you will feel your work is making a bigger impact, and you are growing your professional career together with others with common interests.
Build your inner support career network. You should not fight against anything alone. I know family support is important but oftentimes you need someone at work to give you constructive suggestions. Find friends, advisers, colleagues, or even friendly neighbors in the next office, who understand what your career goals are and also truly care about you as a person. I am fortunate to have found such a network for many years where I feel safe and I no longer feel alone.
Find 3 to 5 advisers at work. In any career stage of academia, having good advisers is critical for professional growth and success. This is particularly important for first-gen immigrants and minorities, who have zero or limited resources / connections. Find advisers across different genders, ethnicities, positions, and backgrounds. A good adviser cares about your career development and well being. He/she offers advice that is good for you and always puts your best interest first (and not their own interest). He/she brings resources to help you realize your career goals. In the meantime, be a good apprentice. Be respectful of what you ask from your adviser - time, resources, help. Show them your growth, follow up on their advice, and only bring questions to them after having your own plan crafted out. Instead of asking “how can I do this?” Ask “I am hoping to do this. Here is my plan. Can I ask for your advice on how to improve? What else should I do?”
Stay competitive in the job market. Nobody can make you stronger except yourself. Master yourself with new skills, expertise, connections. Publish and make your voice heard. Keep your resume updated with new achievements, every small step matters. Always ask yourself: If I were to hit the market again tomorrow, am I competitive? If the answer is yes, that gives you confidence in what you do now in your current job.
Lastly, learn to say no. Saying no always comes with a cost. When and how to say no is important. In academia, the default answer is yes - if you do not respond, it means you agree; if you do not confirm, it means you approve; if you say maybe, it means a yes; if you say I will think about it, people assume it’s a yes. That is not the bad part; the bad part is you were assumed to do things but you did not agree to; you didn’t do it, you got the blame for not doing it. So, say no when you can. Never be emotional, no matter how unfair it is. Be professional, present facts (rather than opinions), to support your argument; present consequences, if you were denied of your request; present your team, instead of yourself. When you cannot say no and you must do it, make sure your contribution is known. Never, ever, be free labor.
Imposter syndrome might never go away. But you will become a stronger, wiser, and more confident version of yourself, than yesterday.
Here to a healthier, brighter, less eventful (you know what I mean….), and stronger 2021!
